The Script!

NARRATOR: Once upon a time, in the faraway land of Utah, there lived two large and powerful schools. Rivals from the beginning of time, there was always a constant battle to keep the other at a far distance.

*************1st Scene*********************



LI’L JEN: Yo Robin-in-da-hood!
ROBIN: ‘Sup Li’l Jen!
LI’L JEN: Shoulda seen my face, I was so shocked when
I was on my way towards the JSB
I saw the statues saran wrapped- it was crazy!
ROBIN: Yo, girl, that is not fo show,
They gotta do that this week just so
That the kids all down at the U of U
Can’t vandalize our prop’rty like they used to do
LI’L JEN: Ha, the little creeps, tho they may want to
ROBIN and LI’L JEN: They ain’t gonna win the match
against the BYU! Yee-ay-ah!



ROBIN: Let’s go, Li’l Jen.
LI’L JEN: Yeah, let’s go, my frien’

MIKE: No, it’s totally got to be calculator tetris. For sure.
TOD: No way! The best invention of all time is those hand driers in the bathrooms in the Wilk!


TEANCUM: (groans) Oh no, its my awkward ex-girlfriend! We just broke up 3 days ago!

EX-GIRLFRIEND: Oh, Hiiii Teancum! How are you!

TEANCUM: um, I’m pretty good.

EX-GIRLFRIEND: Teancum, I have something to tell you! I want you to meet my fiancé, Moroni.

MORONI: Nice to meet you.

Mike: Wait—your fiance? Hey Teancum, didn’t you two just barely--

Teancum: Wow, that’s… um, that’s great! (pauses) How did that happen so freaking fast? (to Moroni) Dude, how the heck did you get engaged after 3 days?

MORONI: Well, do you want some tips?

TEANCUM: Uhhh, sure.

z I’ll Make A Man Out of You z

MORONI: Let’s get down to business to get you a girl!

TEANCUM: Now every time I see one, I am sure to hurl!

MORONI: This is the saddest case I’ve ever met
But you can bet before the skit’s through,
Teancum, you’ll find a girl right for you.

EX-GIRLFRIEND: Be a man!

MORONI: You must be swift as the coursing river!

EX-GIRLFRIEND: Be a man!

MORONI: With all the force of a great typhoon!
EX-GIRLFRIEND: Be a man!

MORONI: With all the strength of a raging fire,
To quickly find the girl you want to woo!

z End of Song z

Mike: Hey, thanks for the advice! Somehow, you made a man out of us!
Tod: Wait, how come he only made one man out of all three of us? Why isn’t it “I’ll make MEN out of you?”


*************End Scene**************************
Time: 2:30 min
*************2nd Scene**************************

NARRATOR: Each FHE family meets in their respective schools for a special, spirit-week FHE. Conveniently, this is also the week that they decided to introduce themselves, even though rivalry week is at least a month into the semester………

BYU MA: Welcome to FHE everybody!

OMNES: Thank you!

BYU PA: Well, let’s start with some introductions!

TEANCUM: Hi, I’m Teancum.

TOD: Hi, I’m Tod.

MIKE: Hi, I’m Mike!

EDWARD: Hi, I’m Edward.

GISELLE: My name is Giselle.

EDWARD: Giselle! Ah, we shall be married in the morning!

z You’re the fairest maid I’ve ever met!
You were made—

GISELLE: To finish your duet!— z

BYU MA: Woa woa woa! That’s against the honour code! Come on, this isn’t BYU Alabama!

BYU PA: So, continuing on.

NARRATOR: Actually, that’s all we need. The rest of their names don’t matter. Really, you just need to remember Teancum’s name.

BYU MA: For tonight’s lesson, we are going to learn about the evil U of U.

TEANCUM: What makes the U of U so evil?

BYU PA: What makes them evil? EVERYTHING about them! Look at what they do! Look at what they wear! All red? That color stands for something, you know!

Tod: What makes the Red Man red?

z What Makes the Red Man Red z
BYU PA: What makes the red man red?
What makes the red man red?
Let’s go back to ’42,
when we won our first game
we won by 5, and it made them blush,
and they’re blushing still from shame!

BYU MA: But what really makes them evil is some of the things they do just for the sake of being completely obnoxious…
***
All: What hurts the BYU (They’re savages, Savages!)
Who hurts the BYU?(Barely even human!)
Let’s go back to the very first time
When they beat us in that game
We trashed their school and we made them pay
And we left their pride in flames!

Teancum: What do we hate them for?
BYU MA & PA: Their morals are so shoddy,
They prob’ly all drink coffee,
We must sound the drums of war!
ALL: Hana Mana Ganda, Hana Mana Ganda!
Meg: I know I go to the U,
But do I have to hate the Y?
ALL: Hana Mana Ganda, Hana Mana Ganda!
Meg: They’re LDS like you and I…..are……
ALL: Hana Mana Ganda, Hana Mana Ganda!
Now we sound the drums of—
Hana Mana Ganda, Hana Mana Ganda!
Now we sound the drums of war!

***

z End of Song z

BYU MA: All right, can someone offer a closing prayer?

*************End Scene**************************
Time: 2:00 min Total Time: 4:30 min
*************3rd Scene**************************


NARRATOR: The very next day, our BYU FHE group headed to Temple Square for a ward activity. They had planned to take fake engagement pictures, but Giselle and Edward made that really really awkward, so they instead wandered around the grounds. Teancum suddenly found himself separated from the group…..

TEANCUM: Hey guys? Guys? Hey? Oh well. It seems I am all alone. I suppose there is nothing else for me to do but walk backwards, slowly surveying the scene.


MEG: Ok you guys I’ll see you in a minute!


Meg: Oh I am sorry!
Teancum: Oh sorry there—woa. (checking her out) um, hi! My name’s Tean—ahem (lowering voice) My name is Teancum!

Meg: Oh hi! My name is Meg!
Teancum: Oh cool! That’s…. that’s cool!
Meg: Yeah….

Teancum: (clearing his throat) So, um…. So how about Rivalry week?
Meg: Yeah its pretty nuts!
Teancum: Haha yeah…. I mean, go cougs! Haha!
Meg: wait—what?
Teancum: You know, go cougars? Beat those Utes?
Meg: No I heard you—wait, you go to BYU?

Teancum: Wait—you don’t?


MIKE and Uma: Teancum!/Meg!

Teancum: Well, I’d better go…It was good to meet you…..
Meg: Yeah! I’ll see you later…. I guess……
Teancum: (sighing) yeah…….



Teancum: (To himself.) Oh wow. Oh wow. Oh wow. (pauses) Wow. Wait—no—she goes to the U! She’s a badguy. And, I mean, whatever. She isn’t all that cute… is she? Sigh.

z I Won’t Say I’m In Love z
If there’s a prize for rotten judgment
I guess I’ve already won that.
No girl is worth the aggravation.
That’s my life’s history, been there done that.

No Chance, no way
I won’t say I’m in love
You swoon, you sigh,
Why deny it? Uh-oh.

It’s too cliché,
I won’t say I’m in lo-ove
You’re way off base I won’t say it.
Get off my case, I won’t say it.

Boy, don’t be proud, it’s ok you’re in love.
O-oh. At least out loud, I won’t say I’m in love.
Sha-la-la-la-la-la. Ahhhh.
z End of Song z


*************End Scene**************************
Time: 2:30 min Total Time: 7:30 min
*************4th Scene***************************
NARRATOR: Teancum and Meg longed for each other. Teancum decided that he couldn’t bear not to see her, despite her unpleasant school loyalties. Since she hadn’t given him her number, he Facebook-stalked her and found out where she lived. They sneaked out to visit each other. They went on dates: bowling, movie watching, bike riding, nickelcading, jamba juicing; such was their love that they managed to enjoy themselves at any location. But one thing still lingered on their minds.

TEANCUM: So, this is the campus! Anything in particular you wanna do?

MEG: You know what Teancum? I’ve always wanted to ride in a paddle boat! We should do it!

TEANCUM: On campus? But…where on earth are we gonna find a boat?

DORY: A boat? Heeey, I’ve seen a boat!

TEANCUM: You have?

DORY: Yeah, it passed by not too long ago! It went umm… this way! It went this way! Follow me!

TEANCUM: What do you know… a boat…

MEG: Let’s go!


z Kiss the Girl z
There ya see her
Sittin’ there across de way
She don’t got a lot to say
But there’s somethin’ about her
An’ ya don’ know why
But yer dying ter try, you wanna
Kiss the girl

Sha-la-la-la-la-la
Don’t be scared
You got the mood prepared
Go on and kiss the girl
Sha-la-la-la-la-la
Don’t stop now
Don’t try to hide it how
You wanna kiss the girl
Sha-la-la-la-la-la
Float along
Listen to the song
The song say kiss the girl
Sha-la-la-la-la-la
Music play
Do what the music say
You wanna kiss the girl
z End of Song z



MIKE: PUT THAT THING BACK WHERE IT CAME FROM OR SO HELP ME (bum bum bum) SO HELP ME! SO HELP ME! AND CUT!!!!
MIKE: Teancum, what are you doing? This girl, this little boo of yours, she is dangerous! She can’t stay here! Get her out of here!

Teancum: (looking at Meg) Um…. But I…. Um… Well, Meg, I had a really great time tonite! Thanks for coming on this date!

Meg: Yeah, it was a lot of fun. Thank you so much! Let’s do this again!

Teancum: Well, see you!

MIKE: More like, let’s not do this again! She goes to the U! What the heck are you thinking!?!?!?








*************End Scene**************************
Time:
*************5th Scene***************************
NARRATOR: And so, Meg found herself alone. And of course we as an audience chose to follow her, because she is way more interesting than Teancum, and besides, we’ve seen a lot of him so far! Anyway, Meg’s love for Teancum has made her call into question her very identity.

MEG: Now I see that if I were truly to be myself,
I’d break my FHE family’s heart……
The U isn’t right for me!
And it’d be great
If they could see
That my disposition’s loyal to Cosmo!
And now I do realize
The U of U’s like pesticide.
With all of this confusion, though,
I must now decide!

Teancum: I love her and I want to be with her!

Mike: But you can’t while she’s at the U!!!

Tod: I think I have a plan! Follow me!

MEG: When will my reflection show
I prefer the Y?


*****************end scence*********************
time:
*****************6th scence*********************



Tod: You know I’m only doing this because….Teancum, you’re my best friend.
Teancum: And you’re mine too, Tod.
Tod: And we’ll always be friends forever. Won’t we?
Teancum: yeah, forever!


TOD: Luau!
If you want a hunk who’s sensitive and really sweet,
Try my buddy Mikey here, because he’s really neat!
And he looks so fine,
With a face divine,
All you have to do is get in line!

Are you achin’ now
(yup yup)
For some makin’ out?
(yup yup)
He’s a big kid,
(yup yup)
You could be a big kid too.
Oy!





Meg: Oh Teancum! I can’t keep sneaking off with you!
Teancum: but, but Meg… I love you! Oh no that sounds so forward…. (teancum starts like babbling and freaking out a la Hitch) I mean I kind of… I mean, um…. You’re just really fun and i…. Um… I love being—I, um, I like being with you… and I’d kind of thought…. You know….. maybe…..
Meg: No, you don’t get it! I can’t keep sneaking off with you…
Teancum: oh no, I definitely heard that the first time.
Meg: …so I’ve decided to transfer to BYU!
Teancum: Oh meg!
Meg: Oh Teancum!
Teancum: Meg my sweet!
Meg: Teancum my love!
Teancum: Meg my schnookums!
Meg: Teancum my sugar dumplings!
Teancum: Meg my hot mamma jamma obama diaramma pajamma!
Meg: Well that’s awkward.
Teancum: Alright then! Let’s get out of here!

[ALTERNATE CONVERSATION:
Teancum: Meg my love!
Meg: Teancum my lover!
Teancum: Meg my love-est!
Meg: That doesn’t even make any sense at all.]


Meg: Ok! I packed just a few things, and then we can go!
Loads friggin a million suitcases onto Teancum.
Exeunt.
Scene MCMLXCIX

*************End Scene**************************
Time:
*************6th Scene***************************


NARRATOR: And so, the moral of the story is, transfer to BYU! What, did you think the moral was going to be “love students from the UofU as well?” Certainly not! Well anyway, our loving lovers reunited with the rest of the cast, and just in time for the closing number! Now that our lovers are united, they can go on dates whenever they want!

NARRATOR:
Go on some dates, now, seize the day!
Don’t be afraid and don’t delay!
Whether its breakfast,
Or fancy steaks, yes,
Or dancing the nights away;
Arise and seize the day!

Teancum:
Now is the time to seize the day!

Meg:
Now is the time to seize the day!
Give me a call and we’ll go play!

Teancum:
I’ll give you a call and we’ll go play!

Both:
Who cares if we’re sighted?
I’m so excited!
Let us seize the day!

ALL:
Friends of the friendless seize the day
(Friends of the friendless seize the day)
Join in the song and end this play!
(Join in the song and end this play!)
Now we’re united
And singing with Bryan!
Let us seize the day!
Calling all cougars:
Join in the fun!
One for all and all for one!

Bring your roommates and seize the day
(Bring your roommates and seize the day)
Don’t be afraid and don’t delay
(don’t be afraid and don’t delay)
Though classes sedate us
Some good times await us!
Let us seize the day!
Calling all cougars:
Join in the fun!
One for all and all for one!



THE END.




Time: 15 minutes; too long? Perhaps. We may have to cut a few corners. But bear in mind that that number should take into account the scene changes and applause by the audience. Also, we were originally told 15 minutes. Also, other people will go over, and we are funnier than they. Also, if you think about it, because we are supposed to use 9 minutes, 15 is only 167% capacity. Not even double what we were supposed to do.
Besides, what can we dare to cut out? Its all so good!